Part of the Job

"When you turn away from the battle you're assigned to, you face the battle you're not equipped for."

What a wonderful statement to rest in.  It never fails that when I call out for help, I get it.  We've been teetering on letting go of our main night nurse for over a month.  It's been tricky.  Because we really like him, on a friend level.  Having people in your home this often creates gray-areas in boundaries normally set for workplaces.  It's hard not to get attached to people you would hang out with under different conditions.  The fact that we like him on a friend level has gotten in the way of the thing we were sent home to do: Get Joel better.  We've put up with "Male nurse #2"'s mistakes, because 1) It might be awkward seeing him around town. 2) He works 5 nights a week and it would be hard to replace his shifts. 3) He's someone we would like to hang out with.

But here's the thing....I can't not fire him because it might be awkward.  Or because we like him.  We have to let him go because he's negligent in Joel's care.  After 4 months of employment, he "forgets" to put on a diaper cover on Joel.  He's left Joel's bed SOAKING wet at least 10 times....(I would have fired a babysitter LONG before now for that.)  He's left the suction machine unplugged for an entire shift while Joel was sick and needed continued suctioning, twice.  (SCARY.  Our suction machine's internal battery doesn't last very long, and we don't have a back-up.)    He spills formula up my wall....don't ask how he managed that.  He leaves q-tips, coban, and the tops to saline fish in Joel's crib, where he could easily put them in his mouth. And then, there's the ridiculously unprofessional email sent to my facebook....don't even get me started on that one.

My stomach has been upside down about this situation for almost a month.  And I finally did it.  We fired him this morning, out of faith, and after prayer....that this was the right thing to do for Joel.  For many of you, I'm sure it would have seemed like a no-brainer, but it wasn't for us.  We prayed that God would send the right people into our home.  Whether it be for us, or for them, that the people that came into our home were for a specific purpose, and I didn't take that lightly when they showed up.  On top of that, I'm forgiving, and I wanted to give him a chance to redeem himself.  There's also the issue of staffing.  PSA is understaffed, and the nurses are underpaid, so they aren't "flooded" with applicants.  Is it better to have no help or some help?   

The minute I took my eyes off my battle is when things got tricky.  It doesn't matter whether things get awkward or difficult.  My job right now is to make sure that Joel gets better.  If I put Joel in the hands of someone who isn't qualified to do his care, then I start fighting a losing battle. 

I hope this uneasy feeling gets better soon.  I think it will.  Doing the right thing always does, eventually, right?

Just another HO-HUM

Hello, hello.  Before I left the hospital 9 months ago, my friend Stacy told me that I would be the "most tired I've ever been in my whole life" when I got home.  She was right......the only problem is, that I'm still tired.  I'm tired when I wake up.  I'm tired at 10 after I've had half a pot of coffee.  I'm tired when I look at my house, and at 4 o' clock after I've slept for an hour and a half.  By 9:30 at night, I'm nodding off to a movie with my husband.  I'm tired.  

Ok, I'm going to say it.  I think I might be a wee-bit depressed.  Which isn't something I think I've been since our miscarriage 4 years ago.  I'm not willing to get on medicines, because I really want to do my best to get out of this ditch myself....I just haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.  I pray.  I hug my husband.  I surround myself with people, and I'm busy all day long.  I'm just tired, and emotional, and I cry with hardly any mention of sick babies, or any detail of Joel's hospital stay....which was a long time ago.  What's going on with me?  I don't like this.

Spring is coming.  There is so much happening soon.  Joel's turning one on March 12th.  We will have a garden to plant soon.  And then....dum dum dum dum....the trach will be out before we know it.  I just hope I can get happy by then.  I feel like everyone I see is getting the crappy side of me, and that makes me even more down.  Any suggestions?  Prayers would be good too.

For Better or Worse

It weird blogging now sometimes.  Fall With Style was originally my personal blog, and then when Joel was born, I erased all of my past posts and started blogging about our journey with him.  So what am I supposed to do when I just want to write about me?  Or things I want to write about that don't pertain to him?  I may need to do a little blog-remodeling...Joel's getting better, and though most of my posts will still be about him, I'm not getting new "news" on him as often as I was in the hospital, and I still need my place to write. 

And on top of the blog-topic dilemma, there's the fact that I've been down.  DOWN.  For months, it seems.  The waiting feels like it's killing me.  The responsibility of babysitting nurses and their schedules is killing me....I could go on and on about the things I think are killing me right now.....and I just wanna say,....that I really love my husband.  He's really stepped up to the plate.  He started a new job last month, and I know it's been really hard on him.  It's been hard on us financially, with most of our savings being exhausted from Palm Harbor's lack of base-pay/home sales.  It's been tough.  And he's continued to be there for me in a way that only a loving husband can.  There are no hot baths, or nights out with the girls, or glasses of wine that can compare to the comfort I feel with Adam by my side.  He's everything to me.  And he worries about me.  And he does his very best to help me, even when I don't know what could possibly help.  Rubbing my feet.  Giving me $5, and sending me to Starbucks....(alone!)  Putting the kids to bed early.  Adam, if you read this, I want you to know how very much I love you.   For better or worse.  I will never forget this season we're in together.  I will cherish these times as much as our happy ones.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

My courageous baby has breathed for the last 48 hours on his own, without the help of a ventilator.  For the first time in his life.  Yep, we got orders for a TRIAL DC of the ventilator at night.  You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm a nervous wreck.  Pacing, flaky, can't sleep.  Can't quite stay awake.  Checking sats, checking breathrate, checking for work of breathing. Checking checking.

How hard it is at times to accept God's will.  The morning I was told Joel might not live through the day was easy in that sense.  I had absolutely no control over what was in front of me.  I could pray for the intensivists.  I could pray for nurses.  I could pray for my son, but I knew that God wasn't short on change.  If His will was to heal my son, save my son, it would be.  I could rest in that.

And here we are, 9 months later, so far from the danger of that day.  But it doesn't matter, I still need to trust in God's will for Joel.  I need to know in my heart, minute by minute, that if Joel doesn't get off the ventilator at night the first time, it's going to be ok.  I need comfort today.