I am having more and more days where I am happy. Happy about my wonderfully blessed role as a mommy, happy with my marriage, happy, happy, happy....
and then there are nights like tonight, when Joel was throwing a fit, and desatting, and the neb and the suction were getting caught on the crib bar, and the feeding stand was in the way of the vent stand, and the vent circuit got condensation inside it and beeped continuously.....I just want to pick up my baby. I screamed, "I HATE CORDS! I HATE CORDS!," like a child would. Seriously. It felt great temporarily, but I just want to cry tonight.
People ask how Joel is doing, how we are doing, and I always answer the same. He's great. We're great. Home is great. That is true. We are great. Home is great. Joel is great. But the fact is that marriage is hard with extra stress in it. The mommy job is neverending as it is, and it's worse when you have someone in your home for 16 hours a day notice every parenting screw-up you make. It's tough to have breast-feeding mommies as friends, when I so desperately wanted to nurse my last baby and wasn't able to. It's frustrating to have people ask me in public how many children I have, and then get a confused look when I tell them that we have an infant, but he's home with a nurse.
This is a tough time. We are going through a tough time. I have so many people around me, and I've never felt so lonely in my entire life.