Daredevil

For Tiffany :)

Detours

It's crummy here.  The rain is doing what it does in Oregon during the Spring.  My kids are also doing what they do in Spring....they are cooped up indoors and driving me insane.  We're in the process of getting a new place to live, which is exciting and unnerving all at the same time.  I want to snap my fingers and be at our new house.  Away from our trashy neighbors, away from Phoenix, and out of this tiny apartment.  Is this new place going to be any better?  It looks better, it seems better....but I have a feeling this is just me.  I'm not happy with the way things are going.  I'm working.  Our kids aren't being consistently parented.  Adam's working from home, and the kids don't seem to be played with.  Attention hungry when I get home.  He's on the phone or computer all day long.  I don't feel like I'm putting in 100% at work, and how could I?  I work 3 days a week, and what I really want to be doing is making mugs out of pottery.  Making art and selling art.  Being crafty with my kids. 

I know that Joel's birthday was Monday, and I haven't posted about it, because there is so much to say, and I'm just not there yet.  It's a time-stamp.  I've felt off track for 2 years.  Job stuff went haywire, house stuff went haywire, homeschool stuff went out the window, and came back unexpectedly, we moved, got broke...got a sick kid.  What happened to what I wanted?  What we thought we were supposed to be doing?  I know those are completely rhetorical, but really....I guess I'm just tired and worn down.  I've been focusing on what God wants me to be learning from this experience, but frankly it sucks.  I don't want to be living in a f-ing apartment.  I want to have my own home again.  MINE.  One that I can paint, and plant gardens in.  One that we can mark the kids' heights on the door for years to come....  I want to be using my new kiln.  Getting clay under my fingernails.  I just feel like a waste of space.

Almost Two.

You're turning two in just a week, and I'm almost speechless when I realize it's been two years since the day you were born.  You entered with so much fury, so much fight.....and though you've overcame the majority of tough times, that fight is very much still present in your personality.  You're toddler, through and through.  Not quite up to speed on communication, you get frustrated when we don't let you do things that could potentially hurt you....like grabbing my curling iron when it's hot, or getting down a flight of stairs head-first...  You're talking some though, and now your favorite things to say are commands (go figure): In.  Out.  Down. On. Bathtub.  (Bathtub may not sound like a command, but trust me, it is!)  
You have tricks, too.  You can get on and off the couch by yourself.  You can blow bubbles out of your neck while you're in the bathtub....(wierd but impressive.)  You can whistle and snap.  You can open up bottles of pediasure, and stack legos together.  You've figured out how to browse through Netflix with the wii remote.  You can eat 65% of your food...WITH YOUR MOUTH!!
It's been two years that I've had to figure out how to be your mom.  I haven't gotten it down yet, so I hope you'll be patient with me.....out of four kids, you're probably the most like Connor.  Full speed ahead, witty and charming, and the strongest will I've ever seen.  For now, I've definitely got my hands full, but I know all of your personality traits will take you far in life....and I can't wait to help steer you in the right direction.  I love you, Joel.