Life Starts Now.

Living each day to the fullest, because we know first-hand just how fragile life can be.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

School time blues

You know that saying, "Be nice to everyone you meet, because they may be facing a battle of their own."?  That might not be the exact wording, but you get the idea.  This is my battle.  For the past six months, I've been struggling with something, half the time feeling selfish for even feeling the way I do. 

When Joel was in the hospital, I continued "nesting."  I didn't have a baby at home, and there wasn't a lot I could do for him.  He couldn't get in a swing, he couldn't be swaddled in cute clothes.  When I left the hospital, I went to babies r us atleast once a week.  I browsed through aisles aimlessly looking for something that would "help" my child...(nothing did, but I continued to look.....I know, it makes no sense...I guess it was comforting.)  Would you like to know who shops at Babies R Us???  Pregnant women and women with new babies.  Horrible idea to shop there when you have a baby in the hospital.  I noticed them, with the realization that no one knew what kind of battle I was facing.  How badly I would have loved to cart my beautiful baby around in the store.....I thought it would have ended when we left Mary Bridge.  It hasn't.

I pick up Connor at 2:30pm daily.  There are a group of moms that stand outside holding their infants while they wait for the bell to ring.  I walk by these smiley, friendly women every single day; none of them knowing that I too, have a baby.  When I get into a conversation with people I don't know, I avoid the "what age are your children" talk.  One word of Joel and it's a giant ordeal. 

This might sound petty.  My child is alive, I should be happy that I even have him here....but I continue to hear this "it's not fair" chant in the back of my head.  It's not.  It's not fair that no one knows that I have a perfect beautiful testimony of God's love back at home.  I spent 9 months trying to figure out how to juggle a toddler & an infant at the grocery store, and now, I'd give anything to. 

1 comment:

  1. Some day, hopefully soon, Joel will be off the vent long enough for you to take him with you to drop off or pick up Conner. Then they'll see that beautiful miracle. I know the feeling. <3