My courageous baby has breathed for the last 48 hours on his own, without the help of a ventilator. For the first time in his life. Yep, we got orders for a TRIAL DC of the ventilator at night. You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm a nervous wreck. Pacing, flaky, can't sleep. Can't quite stay awake. Checking sats, checking breathrate, checking for work of breathing. Checking checking.
How hard it is at times to accept God's will. The morning I was told Joel might not live through the day was easy in that sense. I had absolutely no control over what was in front of me. I could pray for the intensivists. I could pray for nurses. I could pray for my son, but I knew that God wasn't short on change. If His will was to heal my son, save my son, it would be. I could rest in that.
And here we are, 9 months later, so far from the danger of that day. But it doesn't matter, I still need to trust in God's will for Joel. I need to know in my heart, minute by minute, that if Joel doesn't get off the ventilator at night the first time, it's going to be ok. I need comfort today.