I have all of these thoughts in my head, and I'm afraid I've had too much coffee to get them out eloquently. I'd like to say that being in the hospital for 8 weeks would consume so much of my daily focus to cut out all of my other stresses. I wish I could. Unfortunately, the world does not stop turning. Bills still need to be paid. Children will miss being at home. Relationships need attention regardless of health status. The show must go on. Add this to no sleep, and guess what I've given myself...a freggin meltdown.
Adam and the kids came up to visit for this last week during his vacation. I tried my best to be attentive, but gradually my patience and "mom duties" were unmanagable. It was so hard to tend to boo-boos and tantrums, and schedules and mealtimes, and ni-nites....every second with them was a second missed with Joel. Every second with them reminded me that my life right now is not normal. There should be four children with me, and at the park today, there were only two. Mentally, I was a mama-dog, who feels uneasy and worrisome when her puppy is missing. It didn't take long for me to find something wrong with everything and everyone.
And then just before we said goodbye, Adam and I sat outside and let the kids play in the yard. Another couple and their son came outside too, and it wasn't long before we were sharing PICU stories. Their little boy is a cardiac baby too. Same doctors, same surgeons, same nurses...only, the way she described them and spoke of them was completely different. It was like our kids were in different hospitals. She had horrible things to say about the cardiologists. She had issues with every nurse except for one. Not one person in the department has (apparently) given her the attention or service that she deserves. She ranted and raved about everything under the sun...all the while making references to her "christian lifestyle." I sat there listening for 45 minutes....trying my best to turn her negative comments into positive ones. That didn't last long. I'm not going to lie, people like this FRY MY ASS. Do you really think it's a coincidence that this lady has problems with everyone she meets? I think not. I got the heck out of there. I saw Adam and the kids off, and went back up to see my little man.
When I sat down, I had a few minutes to breathe and think alone...(finally!) My thoughts ran back to my encounter with the crazy mom from room 795, and I said to myself, "Geez lady, If you were the Christian you claim to be, why aren't you sitting back to let God take care of business??" And the light above my head clicked on. I feel so awful. Here I am, with this horrible negative attitude...mad at my mom, mad at the world, mad at our finances, mad, mad, mad. Worry, worry, worry. And what for? Here I am, chastizing this poor woman who is going through a worse crisis than I am....and I'm just as much a hypocritical christian as she is. Why am I letting this crap get the best of me? Because I'm attempting to take on all of the things God can resolve effortlessly.
The show must go on. I need to get some sleep. Attitude adjust.