Life Starts Now.

Living each day to the fullest, because we know first-hand just how fragile life can be.

Saturday, May 1, 2010


You know those segments in the movies when a person dies and all of their most spectacular memories FLASH before their eyes??? I had one of those I will remember for the rest of my life.

It took me by surprise, Joel had thrown up on his bedding, and it was supposed to be just a quick wipe down, change bedding, done. The RT suggested that I could hold him if I wanted, and I took off my shirt incase he threw up again while I was holding him...

This is what I can only imagine it is like after birthing a child know, when they put your baby up on your chest...(with a few minor adjustments, involving cords, and tubes, and no labor.) Skin on skin. Baby to mama. A "mommy-high". It was like immediately those 7 weeks of separation between us meant nothing. We were together again. That's hard to find the words to even describe it in a way that would do it justice. I got to hold him for an HOUR like that, with the two of us together, and I knew it. My son knows who I am. He knows EXACTLY who I am...and he loves me. He totally loves me.

I love these little pieces of heaven I get in here. Moments of lucid through all of his narcotics, when he looks into my, "mom, i'm still here." Or, tonight. Holding him close to me, on my chest. He literally "melted" into me. It made up for every heartache I've had in here, times a hundred. I feel God's presence. Tell me God's not real,....tell me I'm making this up. If you could feel what I feel, if you could experience what I have in the last 7 weeks, you'd be a believer. He IS real. He is big. So big. Those little times I get in this room, during all of this chaos,...he's reminding me that he's been RIGHT HERE at my side.


  1. Oh I so remember those hospital days. They seem so long and endless and then there are little glimmers of Sonshine mixed in. Hold on to those times.

    I've read a little of your blog. You have a precious little guy there and he has a very special Momma. I have my own little guy who has had a rough journey in life but through it all God has been faithful.

  2. So sweet. You're making me cry over here. You're such a sweet mama and Joel sounds so precious. I'm glad there are moments of peace for you guys.