You know those segments in the movies when a person dies and all of their most spectacular memories FLASH before their eyes??? I had one of those tonight....one I will remember for the rest of my life.
It took me by surprise, Joel had thrown up on his bedding, and it was supposed to be just a quick wipe down, change bedding, done. The RT suggested that I could hold him if I wanted, and I took off my shirt incase he threw up again while I was holding him...
This is what I can only imagine it is like after birthing a child naturally...you know, when they put your baby up on your chest...(with a few minor adjustments, involving cords, and tubes, and no labor.) Skin on skin. Baby to mama. A "mommy-high". It was like immediately those 7 weeks of separation between us meant nothing. We were together again. That unity...it's hard to find the words to even describe it in a way that would do it justice. I got to hold him for an HOUR like that, with the two of us together, and I knew it. My son knows who I am. He knows EXACTLY who I am...and he loves me. He totally loves me.
I love these little pieces of heaven I get in here. Moments of lucid through all of his narcotics, when he looks into my eyes...like, "mom, i'm still here." Or, tonight. Holding him close to me, on my chest. He literally "melted" into me. It made up for every heartache I've had in here, times a hundred. I feel God's presence. Tell me God's not real,....tell me I'm making this up. If you could feel what I feel, if you could experience what I have in the last 7 weeks, you'd be a believer. He IS real. He is big. So big. Those little times I get in this room, during all of this chaos,...he's reminding me that he's been RIGHT HERE at my side.