Yep, I'm full of it. Anger. Ugly, ugly anger. Mostly due to lack of sleep & communication with our nursing company. After receiving 2 hours notice of three unexpected understaffed nights in a row, I thought sleeping it off this afternoon would help, but it hasn't. I'm having a hard time getting over unprofessionalism, and all sorts of other things seem to be creeping in as well. The no-sleep/night shift thing really isn't so bad in itself. I'm angry that I had to send Mia up to Tacoma with my aunt. I miss her. I hate knowing that because our nursing company didn't fill these shifts, I am left "half-drunk" (that's what I compare sleep deprivation to) unable to care for Mia....Connor's a little more independant & doesn't try to burn down the house at the drop of a hat. Either way, I've morphed into a terribly unfit wife and mother. Can't cook, can't clean, can't sympathize....I'm downright awful every way you look at it.
I'm angry that I have other people taking care of my baby. Please don't get me wrong when I say that every single nurse we have is a blessing. They are. I miss being the only person (besides Adam, of course) with opinions about 'what's going on with him', or when we should feed him, or what he should wear. I want to hold my child in my underwear at 2am in privacy, or without someone reporting to me every five minutes about Joel's last spit-up. I want to be in a bad mood without feeling like I'm causing a scene. I want to have sex with my husband without someone sitting downstairs, awake.
I'm angry that I've needed support in one way or another....or all of the above and more....for the last six months. I don't want to need help. I want to be helping. I don't want to depend on other people for me to make it through my day.
I'm angry for being angry. I want, I want, I want, me, me, me. Mad, mad, mad.
Are you reading all of this garbage??? I've tried sleeping it off. I've tried praying it off. I've tried "positiving my negatives." Maybe you could pray too.