I've known since I was about 4 or 5 years old that part of my calling was in music. I'm not a Star Search winner, I'm not some hidden talent waiting to be discovered, but I can sing, and well. I've sang in acapella choirs, and concert choirs, and back-up for hip-hoppers. It's deep in my bones to want to sing all of the time.
When Joel was born and immediately in the care of others, it left me with a feeling of helplessness. Regardless of the 9 months he was baking in my tummy, it was hard for me to accept that he'd have a strong bond with me (or me with him) in the circumstances we were placed in. He spent much more time with machines and nurses.
In the little times I was in his room without the company of nurses or intensivists, I sang to him. There were moments of lucidity that I was sure he was comforted by my voice. Maybe it comforted me too. I couldn't hold him, I couldn't change his diapers or nurse him, but I could touch his head and I could sing....
Being the mother of a silent child is a tough place to be, but we manage great. Joel has "looks" that tell me what he needs, and I'm learning them better as we go along. Non-verbal communication is a beautiful thing.
Since Joel's gotten off Phenobarb and the rest of his major medicines, I find that we're able to communicate on a different level....that's more subtle. I can tell by minor cues what's going on, instead of relying on alarms or a silent cry.
Being able to sing to my child is something constant in his life, as so much of his world is not. New people in and out, new medications and their side effects, new environments at appointments... It's nice to be able to have that one thing that remains constant to my son.
Joel's sick right now, and he's been congested enough to be requiring oxygen at times. I sang to him last night when I was holding him, and gave me a new look. He looked right in my eyes, and I felt the Holy Spirit reassure me that He's heard my voice this whole time. Joel's heard me this whole time too. I've never been more thankful for my God-given talent than I am right now. It's been a vessel through my toughest of times, and even though I've always felt that God made me to sing for Him, I think it was also for Joel. AMEN!