Life Starts Now.

Living each day to the fullest, because we know first-hand just how fragile life can be.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


A topic I've been avoiding for awhile.  Our home nurses have heard me talk about my reoccuring bad dream.  Almost nightly, Joel dies in my dreams.  It's horrible.  I've been having this awful scenario play out for over a year now, and I thought it would stop after his trach came out but it hasn't. 

I turn around in the car, and he's lost consciousness without me noticing
Drowning in the bathtub.
Falling out of his highchair
Dropping him
Falling out of a grocery cart...

I could go on and on.  My dreams are haunting me.  I don't know if it's stemming from a few scary moments in the hospital, or just the stress of being "the person who knows everything," or what.  It's exhausting.  And sad.  And they wake me up over and over.  Adam doesn't get them.  Why am I?   


  1. im not a dream expert but I would hazard a guess that his death was a possibility you admitted but never contemplated or focused on. During the day you think about everything he needs, and then at night you collapse into bed until day breaks through your window and you start your whole routine again.

    So, and I reiterate im no dream expert, but in my opinion I think the dream is merely a subconscious manifestation of your worst fear that your conscious mind has chosen to ignore, and rightfully so.

  2. Thanks for the comment! Take care. XO