So, we're off the vent for naps. It's great news, and I can't for the life of me even pretend to be excited. Dr. Ricker told me he won't take out Joel's trach until summer. I had my heart set on March.
I feel like a piece of shit. I should be happy. My son's progressing so well. He's come miles from where he was just 2 months ago. This week he rolled over twice and ate his food....all of his food without puking. Big deal for a kid who's had a tube in his throat his entire life. But the truth is, I'm gasping for air at the thought that we'll have nursing for another 6 months. That my family room will be my son's bedroom. That I can't take a nap with him, or go to Chicago in April, or take him to the store by myself without having to have another person in the car. THAT I CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR ANOTHER 6 MONTHS WITHOUT AN EMERGENCY BAG.
It's like when you're running in a race, and you think you can't possibly make it to the finish line, you tell yourself these little 'mental motivations,' like, "just make it to the tree" "just make it around that corner" "you're almost there..." Ok, that's what I've been telling myself for the past 9 months.
I'm feeling so selfish. I can't see past the tip of my nose. When is this going to get easier?