Life Starts Now.

Living each day to the fullest, because we know first-hand just how fragile life can be.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Worried. Moms worry.

-Is he ready for this?
-Am I pushing him too hard?
-Am I setting him up for failure by doing this in Spring?
-Is Logan going to get us sick?
-Is he going to catch something just by being in the hospital during cold/flu season
-Are they going to give him a fair shot?

Joel's sats are hangin' out at 92 tonight.  Logan was here for Spring Break (Oregon's was this week,) and this afternoon- starts throwing up.  So we drove him (Adam drove him) back to Oregon.  Two days early.  And I feel awful, because Adam didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal?  So I pushed it.  I don't want this surgery to go awry because of me knowingly exposing him to something...and why am I the only person that seems to get what happens when a respiratory baby gets sick?  It's inconvenient.  Living in different states from a child is difficult.  I hate it.  It's not fair to Logan, and it's not fair to Hannah and Dave, and it's not fair to us, and it's not fair to Connor because he's constantly crying over missing his brother.  I feel like a crappy step-mom making him leave.  But what else was I supposed to do?  *Please pay no attention to run-on sentences, or thoughts that don't quite run into another thought.*  I'm tired.  And stressed.  And emotional.

What if this doesn't work out....I keep telling myself that I want this in God's timing, but I just keep getting flashbacks of getting my hopes up 9 months ago, sitting by his bedside, thinking all would be well when it actually wasn' that what I'm doing now?  I don't want to come home with an emergency bag, and a suction machine, and nursing.....I don't want to.  I want to come home and plan out how we're going to re-arrange my family room, because I've done it a hundred times in my head.

And what's with these low sats lately?

1 comment:

  1. Love you and praying. Will see you tomorrow. You did the right thing...which is not necessarily the convenient or easy or nice thing. Regardless of the trach staying in or coming out tomorrow...J getting the flu is bad. I'm sorry it came to that, but I would have done the exact same thing. It doesn't mean you don't love Logan, but you also have to be more cautious than normal. <3