So the blog has been remodeled....temporarily. I don't plan on being in here forever, but while I am, I better get these feelings and thoughts out before my head explodes. I am keeping a paper journal for Joel to read when he gets older, but I don't want him reading this. The last thing I want is for him to feel that our pain was caused by him, or guilt for any reason. I'll edit his journal to have positive thoughts & useful info about his surgeries and recovery experience...as well as the "mommy notes" I write to him each day.
You know, I've heard about people having similar experiences like this; prolonged hospital stays, but it's not until you go through it that you can truly fathom how huge it impacts your minute-to-minute existence. The frustrations and heartache are endless...it really gets me wondering what people do in a circumstance like this without Jesus. What do they cling to? What do they hope in in the case that things take a nose dive? Not to sound judgemental....I'm not dogging on believe systems here...to each his own. I am just curious. I hear we're taking this better than most parents in this predicament, and that scares me. This rollercoaster is excrutiating at times.
It's a strange feeling to feel out of control of my emotions once again....adolescence was a terrible time for me for that very reason. I try to keep my head up, and for the most part I do. I have my moments though, which end in peptalks or pastries, and then I get back on track. Joel was having a rough time today. We think it might have been gas. Natural instinct tells the mommy to pick up the baby to make things better. My child requires a good 5 minutes of preparation for me to hold him, and even then, it's in an uncomfortable position and he has cords and tubes everywhere...good luck moving your arm when he's taped to the chair, your sleeve, and the pillow. This is the kind of thing that normally I would have patience for, but after a month of this, can bring me to tears of frustration. I'm so ready to be home today.
Kari, I can't even imagine...I remember, before my kiddos could articulate, the frustrations of not knowing what was wrong. My niece, Danica, has a condition called KTS & when D is fussy, my sis has the frustration of wondering if it is discomfort caused by KTS...or if it's only gas. I can't imagine what you guys are going through. The hardest part of being a parent is not being able to comfort your child. I can't imagine that compounded by the surgeries, the tubes, etc. Good for you for getting your feelings out! Each time I look at Joels photos, I cry. I think, "Jesus chose Kari & Adam because He knows that they can handle this". Jesus knows that you are strong! You guys are strong together & with Jesus you are indestructible. Allow yourself to break down. To cry.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you girl.
My heart has been so heavy and then the Lord blesses me and I see this blog that you are writing and I know that He is with us. He is sustaining you and Adam and your mom and I and all the family. I feel the tears roll down my face and they let me know again how He is here with me and there with all of you. You are brave and strong and you will make it through all of this. He has given you amazing strength and insight. It doesn't mean that is will be easy or always the way we want it, but He will be there with you, smiling, crying, loving and holding you up when you don't think you can take anymore. I am so proud of you and that I can call you daughter. I say this all in Jesus name, Amen
ReplyDelete