So the blog has been remodeled....temporarily. I don't plan on being in here forever, but while I am, I better get these feelings and thoughts out before my head explodes. I am keeping a paper journal for Joel to read when he gets older, but I don't want him reading this. The last thing I want is for him to feel that our pain was caused by him, or guilt for any reason. I'll edit his journal to have positive thoughts & useful info about his surgeries and recovery experience...as well as the "mommy notes" I write to him each day.
You know, I've heard about people having similar experiences like this; prolonged hospital stays, but it's not until you go through it that you can truly fathom how huge it impacts your minute-to-minute existence. The frustrations and heartache are endless...it really gets me wondering what people do in a circumstance like this without Jesus. What do they cling to? What do they hope in in the case that things take a nose dive? Not to sound judgemental....I'm not dogging on believe systems here...to each his own. I am just curious. I hear we're taking this better than most parents in this predicament, and that scares me. This rollercoaster is excrutiating at times.
It's a strange feeling to feel out of control of my emotions once again....adolescence was a terrible time for me for that very reason. I try to keep my head up, and for the most part I do. I have my moments though, which end in peptalks or pastries, and then I get back on track. Joel was having a rough time today. We think it might have been gas. Natural instinct tells the mommy to pick up the baby to make things better. My child requires a good 5 minutes of preparation for me to hold him, and even then, it's in an uncomfortable position and he has cords and tubes everywhere...good luck moving your arm when he's taped to the chair, your sleeve, and the pillow. This is the kind of thing that normally I would have patience for, but after a month of this, can bring me to tears of frustration. I'm so ready to be home today.