Uuuugh. What a frustrating morning. After six weeks of me pumping every 3-4 hours, Joel finally went on breastmilk yesterday. There wasn't enough stored up in the freezer here, so Adam got off work early to bring up some from Chehalis. By midnight, he was put back on portogen. His system still can't breakdown the fats in breastmilk, and they won't be trying it again. It's difficult to explain in a blog, but it's caused by the clots in his lymphatic system, and the effect is respiratory problems (which he already has a hard time with,)...there is no telling when the clotting will be cleared up, but it won't be soon. Dr. Harry said we could try in another 3-4 weeks, or when we're at home, but if things don't go well, we'll know because he'll start having respiratory issues. No thank you. Why force my kid to endure more setbacks to fulfill some "mommy need?" He's had his fair share of roadblocks WITHOUT my help.
Of all the things for me to be heartbroken over, this is so minor. I don't know why I'm so upset about it....I didn't give a crap about nursing the other two. I did my 6-8 weeks for both and said, "screw this!!!" It's something that has to do with my tubes being tied, knowing this is the last, and the one attempt I have to bond with this baby...little to no holding, little to no bathing, little to no physical contact,...and it was the one thing I felt like I could do to help him heal. You know, if nothing else, I could give him what I was made to give him; milk. My son is fine, and he has a good opportunity to improve this week, things are looking up...so why does it feel like I'm mourning?
Ugh. It's a hard situation, all around. You're such a good mama, Kari. But, you're right, in the long run it won't matter if he is breastfed or not. Joel will be just as healthy if he isn't, and he will love you just as much. He will know you are his mommy for so many other reasons, and he'll love you unconditionally just the same. Plus, pumping sucks! I had to do it the whole time Thomas was in the hospital, and then for MONTHS afterward...it hurt, it was inconvenient, and man, we had no freezer space. We do it, because we love our kids, but honestly, pumping just sucks. When Joel is older and can understand, the fact that you pumped for so long not even knowing when or if it would help him, will be just as precious to him. Good luck with everything. Yay to not pumping every 3 hours...and get better, Joel!
ReplyDelete-Kayla Tersigni (Lawrence)
You are mourning and it is ok. I remember mourning when I knew Kenzi would never nurse. The Word says there is a time for every thing under the sun, it's ok to mourn. God can handle the truth Kari and it's a good thing because He can help your heart heal too. Don't be so hard on yourself. God has bonded you guys already. He knows you are there. I will continue to keep you guys in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteApril