I always debate posting things like this. Negativity. I have dozens of saved drafts. I open them later, and think, "wow, so glad I didn't post that." But really, that's not how my life is right now. Things aren't all hunky-dory. Yes, we have brilliant moments of peace and joy that lift my spirits up so high that I feel like I may never come down. We are happy. But I'm also not. Part of me feels terrible guilt, because I'm constantly reminded of mothers who have terminal children, or none at all. I'm so incredibly grateful for all of the healing that God has given to Joel, and our family in general....events like this change families forever. When I feel down, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like maybe I don't appreciate the things I DO have. It's confusing. But my aunt made a very good point this morning while I was talking with her on the phone.
People who have terminal situations, or infant/child loss, are forced to accept the situation as it is. Obviously, that doesn't make it any easier. It's a horrible to even think of. But, it's black and white. It will be the way that it's presented to them. For me, it is not. My child will get better. He will get his trach out, and he will eventually eat on his own. We will eventually be able to live like a normal family, but not now. For now, we wait. And it's been almost a year of this. We've been derailed for almost a year.